I need help!!

It has been a couple months since my last confessions...er uh I mean post. I have had a lot going on so just to give you an update I will do a quick run thru. So, a couple weeks after my last post (on Feb 26th, I really cant believe it has been that long!!) I got a stomach virus and couldn't throw up - a sure sign that I was way too tight - and I had to go to the Dr and get fill removed. He removed almost all of what I had in my band and said I would need to wait 2 weeks before I get fill added back in. I was relieved at the time because it was really scary and painful to have my body trying to throw up and absolutely nothing would come thru the band! So, once all the fill was removed and I was over the stomach virus I discovered that I could eat anything (and everything!). This was like a new found freedom, and like a old friend returning to me. Also, again showed me I was too tight before because I realized I was very limited foods and still having pain with those. Anyway, I managed to eat my way through the next couple weeks and make it back to the dr for a fill on April 6th. I had lost a couple pounds while I was sick, but I gained those plus some of their friends during that two weeks. Went back to the dr and got fill put in (2 cc I think), and he told me to come back in 4-6 weeks. I have noticed some change in what i am able to eat - but still not enough. I managed to lose the pounds that had gained but I have been traveling for work the last two weeks (California & Vegas!) and I managed to put them back on plus another 3lbs. So that is a total of a 7lb gain since I was sick!

I am feeling very discouraged and overwhelmed about the gain. I just can help feeling like I am on that familiar path of my life before lap band...ultimately like I am failing at this like I have failed at every "diet" before. Although I know this is not a diet and that I have more help from my band than I did on my own (even though I am not feeling it right now) - it still feels like failure. Also, my weight loss had really stalled before then...the 7lbs that I gained had taken me 5 months to lose! I know I need a fill but I don't have an appointment till May 19th. I know I could move that appointment up but part of me doesn't even want to go back to the doctor with this gain. I really don't want to be as tight as I was before but I definitely need more help than what I have right now. So I started thinking that a strict diet between now and then will at least get me back to where I was and exercise would help too. I cant seem to get motivated on the exercise front, I am so out of shape it is unreal to me the simple things that make me sore. And the crazy part of that is, I weigh less now than when I was working out all the time (2 years ago).

So....I need your help! I need to hear from those of you who have gained and didn't give up; from those who are still struggling now; those who have made it to their goal and are able to maintain; anyone and everyone! Tell me how you did it and are still doing it! I know this gain is a short term thing but I really need your help not to stay in this overwhelmed/discouraged place!!

Wheeeeeee!

I am on the downhill of my current rollercoaster. The scale was at a new low this morning. 169.4! The downhill is always so exciting on a roller coaster. Yes, I know that means an uphill is coming but for the moment I will enjoy the exciting feel of the downhill.

This is an exciting new low number for me. It has been 3 year since I have seen this number - and even when I saw it 3 years ago - it was like for 5 minutes and then I proceeded to pack on the pounds. And before that it had probably been 15 years since I had seen that number. Also, that means pretty much from here on out every new low number will be the lowest I have been in 18+ years!!!

Here we go again!

After seeing a new low number on the scale - guess what? I am up 2 lbs. Seems like my rollercoaster ride of up and down is not over. I was thinking this morning after I was reading several other blogs, seems like quite a few people are experiencing this up and down...maybe its the moon? or the pull of gravity? or something like that? For me, I think it may have to do with the fill I got recently. Even though it was a very small fill .2cc - I have felt quite a bit of restriction from it and have found that I am still having alot of liquids or sliders. Mostly because it is easier and other foods are just not comfortable. Not that I have gotten stuck on anything - but more like just an uncomforatble feeling of pressure when I eat. So, I have been having alot more "easy" foods (including ice cream!). It is a little like when I first got the band - during that first six weeks of "healing" time where I ate easy food and didnt really lose much weight. It has been a week since my fill and I am just now feeling like I can eat regular food again. So, I guess like in the first few weeks of banding, I just needed to consider this time as a healing time (from the fill) and hopefully now I am ready to get back to eating the right foods -not the easy stuff, and hopefully that will mean things will start moving again.

Going to the Home Show

My hubby and I are going to the Home Show today. We are planning on a building a house in the next two years or so (after we get the nest emptied). I have been dreaming about building a house for 10+years. I can spend hours on end looking at house plans on the web. I am excited to see what the home show has to offer. I love planning and decorating and organizing so I am excited about the show and the fact that my hubby want to go with me! This is a big step for him cause normally he is not interested in that stuff at all but it was actually his idea to go - which is a great Valentine's gift for me. :) Oh, and the scale actually moved a little more this morning. Down another .6 lbs - YAY!

Got a tiny fill today

I wasnt sure if I needed/wanted a fill - but I already had an appointment scheduled and I havent had a fill since early September. Dr said I still had good restriction - but did give me a tiny fill .2 cc to help me stay full longer. So we will see what happens with this. I definitely dont think it has made me too tight - but then again I am only on liquids today. Hopefully it will be enough to get things moving.

Doesnt take much these days to make me happy!

The scale actually moved a smidgen this morning - down .6 lbs. I know that doesn't sound like a lot but when it has been teetering up and back down 2 lbs, it is exciting when it actually goes to a new low number!!! Now I am only 1.2 lbs away from the halfway mark! Woo hoo!!!

The weird thing is while going up and back down 1-2 lbs here lately I have noticed what a BIG difference it has made on my mood and self-esteem. It is crazy the way an additional .5 lbs can make me feel as big a house, and have crazy thoughts like this just isn't working. And on the other hand a .6 lb loss can make me feel on top of the world. Obviously the scale in my head is on a much different system than the scale under my feet!

Nothing to say but Thanks!!

So, I haven't posted in a few days because I haven't really had anything to say and in general just feeling kinda blah - but after reading http://cheeseandsunkist.blogspot.com/2010/02/its-time-pick-me-up-post.html (Amy W.'s blog - not sure if I posted that link right) this morning - I do have something to say.....THANKS AMY!!! Just what I needed to change my perspective and see the glass as half full. You helped me remember that today's a new day - stop fretting about yesterday and tomorrow - and just enjoy today!

Slowly, inch by inch

You would think with that title I would be talking about my measurements, but alas I am not. Actually I have not taken measurements since the day before my surgery, so I should probably do that soon. Anyhoo, I am referring to how slowly the scale is moving. While I would be thrilled if this 45 represented the number of pounds I have lost (it doesn't!), it does however represent the percentage of the excess weight I have lost. My doctor is always referring to the % of excess weight lost more than pounds lost so I have chosen to take that outlook too. 45% is nothing to sneeze at for sure, I am excited to be at this place and even more excited about what is right around the corner. With the next 5lb block that I lose I will be below the lowest weight I have been in 3 years, and when I was that weight 3 years ago (for a brief second in time) it was the lowest I had been in 20 years!!! So you can see that while the weight is not flying off of me but rather creeping off slowly, inch by inch - it is such an exciting time that I have to celebrate where I am at and what is about to be!!!

Who Knew?!

So as I mentioned earlier in the week, I am traveling this week visiting friends. Which means I don't have access to the gym - or my treadmill. So I have had to be creative in my workouts. This morning (for the second time since I have been here in Seattle) I got up at 6am my time - which is 4am here in Seattle, and did some exercises in my room while the rest of the house was sleeping. Today I actually wore my heart rate monitor just to see how many calories I had burned during my little impromptu workout. 450!!! Can you believe that? That is what I usually burn while running on the treadmill. I did a little cardio to get started. Walking in place, high knee cross overs - and a little flashback to my drill team days...a few high kicks. :) Then on to lunges, squats, push ups, plank, tricep dips, overhead press, etc - followed by a few yoga poses and stretching. It was actually a great workout and I am still surprised by the calorie burn. I really wanted to be able to run outside (or at least walk) while I am here, but it has been raining the whole time. Bummer! I leave today to fly to Denver - to visit another friend - so I am hoping the weather will cooperate there so we can be outside more. And that friend has a membership at the Y, so I am sure we will get a couple workouts in there as well. I am feeling great about getting back into the swing/habit of exercise so I want to keep finding ways to fit it into my day.

Wk 1 completed - and Traveling

I completed Week 1 of Couch to 5k yesterday. Actually I am a day behind - but that is ok with me, at least I am still doing it so that is a big improvement! It will be a little challenging for me to get my runs in the next two weeks because I will be traveling. But I will do what I can and be happy about what I accomplish.

I am in Seattle today, visiting a friend. I flew in late last night so it was dark and rainy and I didn't get to see much. I did see the Space Needle - you know the one you always see in movies? So that was pretty cool, and I am hoping to get to see more of Seattle over the next few days. I will be here till Thursday and then I fly to Denver to visit 2 more friends. (I needed to get out of my house for a while - long story that I may dive into another day). I will be in Denver till Sunday, then I fly home again. But I am only home for a couple days then I fly out again on Wednesday for a business trip -going to Vegas! Yay! I am excited about that too. So, as you can see with my travel schedule it will be difficult to get my runs in. I also brought along the Biggest Loser game that I got for my Nintendo DS recently, so I will be doing that as well. I really want to keep up with the exercise trend that I have started cause it is so hard to keep restarting.

I am feeling really good these days, more positive, more energetic and just overall GOOD. I believe it is the great combo of Water, exercise and Contentment. :) Anyhoo, I like it and plan to continue. Hope you all are having a great day!

Word(s) of the Year

So, I have been thinking alot about the word for 2010 that fellow bloggers have posted about. I have been contemplating it for several days. I am surprised by how much time it has actually been on my mind and it reminded me how many of the blogs I follow inspire me and lead me to action. And just earlier today someone included this quote in an email to me, which I found so fitting! I am so thankful for each of you that shares your story and how much it rekindles me!

"In everyone's life, at one time or another, our inner fire almost goes out. It is then miraculously burst back into flame by a powerful encounter with another human being. We should be thankful for those people who rekindle our inner spirit" -- Albert Schweitzer

So, my word - really has come down to two. The first being Content. I desire to be content. Content with where I am at each day. Not constantly dwelling on what could be or what should be but really being present and OK with where I am at right now. Knowing that the number on the scale does not define me...and actually doesn't even matter in my overall happiness. Does that mean that I would not continue to weigh myself several times each day? That is alot to hope for and though I am not sure that I will get there this year - it is ultimately where I would love to be. I don't think you can be truly happy without being content, so that is what I am choosing. I also think that contentment is not something that just happens. That it's actually something you have to actively practice at. So, the practice starts now! The second being Hydrate. I struggle with drinking enough water. Plain water, without anything added. I know that being hydrated is so important to so many daily functions and I have really started to see the effects of being dehydrated. My hair, my skin, nails, energy level, metabolism, hunger, headaches, joint stiffness - you name it basically - and it is effected by hydration. So I am determined to give it more attention in my life.

So, that's what I have come up with. Not one word but two, and I am excited to see what the outcome will be.